The Paperwork Stuff
The Ofsted team
Are arriving soon
Singing their old
Familiar tune
“Hand over your policies!”
They’ll sternly demand
“We can never get enough
Of the paperwork stuff”
“Let’s have your poly drugs
And your poly first aid
We expect each one
To be tailor made”
“We want a policy for this
And a policy for that
By the way Dr. Ash
Do you happen to have one
For your black and white cat?”
“We want bullying, behaviour
And child protection too
Special Needs, race relations
And equal opportunities
To name but just a few”
Their appetites
Have now been wetted
And there’s plenty still
Needing to be vetted
“We want more and more”
They roar
“You see we simply can’t get enough
Of the paperwork stuff”
Now they have
Just about everything
From years of reports
To timetabling
Info from the CRB
Details of each IEP
The syllabus
And the action plus
Lists of those with SEN
And a chance to practise
With an epipen
Self evaluations
And qualifications
Early years
Registers
And those all important
Pro-ce-dures
Surely by now
They’ll be tired and feeling rough
Having sifted through piles
Of the paper work stuff
But to everyone’s surprise
They still have bright eyes
Ready for the next section
The dreaded classroom inspection
“Now children
You mustn’t forget
When he comes in
Please don’t make a din
Can’t you tell
Your teacher’s not well”
“I’ve been feeling quite sick
All of this week
Every night unable to sleep
There’s no doubt about it
This business with Ofsted
Has given me a terrible head”
Now it was time
And through the door
Prowled the visitor
There wasn’t a sound
As he padded around
He sniffed the air
And meticulously scrutinised everywhere
But then he came to a sudden stop
As he felt his eyes start to pop
What was it he saw
On the classroom floor?
“Give that to me”
He roared
The teacher then gave him
Several very large piles
Bursting at the seams
With folders and files
“Who owns this lot?”
He grimly enquired
“Don’t you see”
The teacher said
Nervously
“They all belong to ME!”
We are the Ofsted team
Of paperwork we constantly dream
Give us more and more
We implore
We simply can’t get enough
Of the paperwork stuff
At last he’s found
What he’s been searching for
So now he heads
Straight for the door
He finds himself
A quiet place
In which to savour
A very fine taste
You see he’s
One of the Ofsted team
Of paperwork they constantly dream
Give us more and more
They implore
They simply can’t get enough
Of the paperwork stuff.
Patricia Ash January 2004